Ick Lists Are Wrecking Your Dating Life — Here’s the Fix

 

The Psychology of Ick Lists

 

Let’s start with a bit of a thought experiment, shall we? Imagine you're a baker. You've got this amazing recipe for a cake, but there's a catch. You're missing a key ingredient — let's say, sugar. Without it, the cake isn't going to taste right. This, in a not-so-sugary nutshell, is how 'ick lists' function in our dating lives. They're the ingredients we've determined are absolutely essential for a potential partner to have, and without them, the whole relationship just doesn't taste right.

On the surface, this might seem like a logical approach. After all, why wouldn't you want to outline your non-negotiables before entering a relationship? However, the American Psychological Association suggests that this mentality might actually be sabotaging our love lives. You see, the human brain loves categorizing things — it's our way of making sense of the world around us. But when we apply this to people, things can get a little...well, icky.

Research suggests that the more specific our 'ick lists' become, the more we limit our potential pool of partners. It's like going on a treasure hunt with a map that's too detailed — we might overlook the big, shiny chest of gold because we're too busy focusing on the tiny x on our map.

 

Why Ick Lists Don't Really Work

 

Now, I'm not saying that having standards or preferences is a bad thing. Far from it. What I am saying is that having an 'ick list' that's as detailed as a NASA spacecraft blueprint might be a tad counterproductive. Here's why.

Firstly, our 'ick lists' are often based on past experiences or societal expectations, rather than our own personal needs and desires. It's like taking advice on how to bake a cake from someone who's only ever made toast. Sure, they might have some useful insights, but they're not exactly a master baker, are they?

Secondly, 'ick lists' can create unrealistic expectations. Harvard University's research on relationships and happiness suggests that no one is perfect and expecting a partner to tick all the boxes on our 'ick list' can lead to constant disappointment and dissatisfaction.

 

 

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, 'ick lists' can prevent us from truly getting to know someone. It's like judging a book by its cover, or more accurately, by its table of contents. We might miss out on a great story because we're too focused on whether Chapter 7 aligns with our 'ick list'.

 

Giving the Ick The Flick: A Better Approach

 

So, if 'ick lists' are the dating equivalent of a flat tire, what's the fix? How do we navigate the dating world without our trusty, albeit flawed, roadmaps?

Well, one approach suggested by psychologists is to focus on values, rather than specifics. Think of it as baking a cake with the key ingredients, but being flexible about the rest. Instead of needing someone who enjoys long walks on the beach, loves dogs, and can play the guitar, focus on broader values like kindness, honesty, and a sense of humor.

Another approach is to be open to surprises. In one striking study, researchers found that people who were open to meeting different types of people had more successful relationships. It's like going on a treasure hunt without a map — it might be a bit scary, but it also makes the journey a whole lot more exciting.

Lastly, remember that it's okay to have deal-breakers, but make sure they're actually deal-breakers. If you absolutely can't stand smokers, then by all means, keep that on your list. But if you're ruling out potential partners because they don't like your favorite band or can't cook a five-course meal, you might be doing your love life a disservice.

At the end of the day, love isn't a science experiment with a set formula for success (despite what all those dating apps might have us believe). It's a messy, beautiful, unpredictable adventure that requires flexibility, openness, and a willingness to toss out the 'ick list' every now and then. So why not give it a try? You might just find that your perfect match was hiding in the 'ick' all along.

 

How Our Brains Get Tricked by the 'Ick'

 

Before we delve into the realm of 'ick lists' further, let's take a quick detour into the fascinating world of neuroscience. Our brains are essentially prediction machines, constantly making educated guesses about the world around us. This mechanism, known as predictive coding, helps us navigate our surroundings with relative ease. But when it comes to dating, this predictive model can often lead us astray.

 

 

Imagine you're at a party, and you spot someone who ticks all the boxes on your 'ick list'. Your brain, like a well-intentioned but overly enthusiastic matchmaker, immediately jumps to the conclusion that this person is your perfect match. But here's the kicker — just because someone fits your 'ick list', doesn't mean they're right for you. In fact, research from the National Institutes of Health suggests that the attributes we think we want in a partner often don't align with what actually makes us happy in a relationship.

It's like ordering a cake based on a picture, only to find it tastes like cardboard. Sure, it might look perfect, but if the taste is off, the appearance doesn't really matter, does it? Our brains, bless their cotton socks, often get caught up in the appearance of things, tricking us into believing that the 'ick list' is the be-all and end-all of dating.

 

The 'Ick List' Illusion: A Mirage in the Dating Desert

 

Now, let's get one thing straight — 'ick lists' aren't inherently bad. They can provide a useful starting point for figuring out what we want in a partner. The problem arises when we treat them as infallible guides to finding love, an illusion that can lead us on a wild goose chase in the dating desert.

One reason for this is the confirmation bias, a psychological phenomenon where we tend to favor information that confirms our existing beliefs. Think of it as a filter that lets through all the 'ick list' compatible candidates, while conveniently ignoring those who don't fit the mold. It's like setting out on a treasure hunt with a metal detector that only beeps for gold, completely ignoring the silver, bronze, and precious gemstones lying just beneath the surface.

Another reason is the paradox of choice. As the name suggests, having too many choices can lead to decision paralysis, leaving us stuck in a state of indecisiveness. It's like being a kid in a candy store with an endless array of sweets to choose from. The result? We end up overwhelmed, unable to make a decision, and often, walking away empty-handed.

Moreover, 'ick lists' often overlook one crucial aspect of relationships — growth. The truth is, people change over time. The person you initially start dating may not be the same person a year, five years, or a decade down the line. If we're too rigid with our 'ick lists', we risk missing out on the potential for growth and shared evolution in a relationship.

 

Reimagining the 'Ick List': From a Checklist to a Compass

 

 

 

So, how do we move beyond the 'ick list'? The answer lies not in ditching it entirely, but in reimagining it. Instead of treating it as a checklist to be ticked off, we can use it as a compass to guide us in the general direction of what we value in a relationship.

First, it's important to distinguish between preferences and non-negotiables. Preferences are like the icing on the cake — nice to have, but not essential. Non-negotiables, on the other hand, are the key ingredients without which the cake wouldn't be a cake. By focusing on our non-negotiables, we can ensure we're not compromising on what truly matters to us.

Next, we can broaden our 'ick list' to include not just attributes, but also behaviors. For instance, instead of seeking someone who's 'funny', we might seek someone who 'makes us laugh'. This subtle shift can make a world of difference in our dating lives, allowing us to focus on how someone makes us feel, rather than who they are on paper.

Lastly, we can embrace a sense of curiosity in our dating lives. Instead of viewing each date as a potential 'ick list' test, we can see it as an opportunity to learn something new, about ourselves and others. In the words of renowned psychologist Carl Rogers, "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." The same holds true for dating. When we approach it with openness and curiosity, we create space for genuine connection and growth.

 

Breaking Free from the 'Ick List': A Journey, Not a Destination

 

Breaking free from the 'ick list' is more of a journey than a destination. It requires patience, self-awareness, and a willingness to venture outside our comfort zones. But the rewards, as countless love stories and research studies suggest, are well worth the effort.

Remember, our 'ick lists' are not set in stone. They're more like sandcastles, shaped by the ebb and flow of our experiences, beliefs, and desires. And just like sandcastles, they can be reshaped, remodeled, and even demolished when they no longer serve us.

So, if you find your 'ick list' more of a hindrance than a help, why not give it a makeover? Swap the checklist for a compass, the rigid criteria for flexible guidelines, the tunnel vision for a panoramic view. You might just find that the 'ick' was not in the people you were dating, but in the list you were holding onto.

 

 

As the saying goes, "Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship." So, let's start creating. Let's start exploring. Let's give the 'ick' the flick and embrace the messy, beautiful, unpredictable adventure that is love. After all, if love were predictable, it wouldn't be quite as exciting, would it?

 

The 'Ick List' Deception: Do We Really Know What We Want?

 

Let's begin by addressing the elephant in the room — do we really know what we want in a partner? The answer is more complex than a simple yes or no. You see, our brains, those clever little walnut-shaped marvels, are notorious for playing tricks on us. They're like a mischievous child, constantly pulling pranks and giggling in the background.

Take the case of 'ick lists'. Our brains convince us that we have a crystal-clear image of our ideal partner, right down to their laugh, their choice of coffee, and their opinion on whether pineapple belongs on pizza. But as any seasoned dater or psychology researcher will tell you, our actual attraction often strays wildly from our imagined ideal.

This discrepancy is partly due to the halo effect, a cognitive bias where our overall impression of a person influences how we feel about their individual traits. It's like meeting someone who loves the same obscure indie band as you and suddenly finding their nose twitch (which would normally be on your 'ick list') endearing.

Another factor is that our brains are wired to prioritize negative information, a survival mechanism dating back to our cave-dwelling ancestors. This negativity bias can make us fixate on the 'icks', overlooking the many positives that don't fit neatly into our imagined checklist.

 

The 'Ick List’ and the Misunderstanding of Compatibility

 

When it comes to dating, we often equate compatibility with similarity. We believe that the more boxes we tick off our 'ick list', the better matched we are. But here's a fun fact — research from the likes of the American Psychological Association has consistently found that similarity in personality does not predict relationship satisfaction. It's like expecting two puzzle pieces to fit simply because they're the same color.

So, what does predict relationship satisfaction? According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, it's not the traits of the person we're with, but how we feel about ourselves when we're with them. It's like going to a party — it's not the snacks, the music, or the décor that make it enjoyable, but whether you feel comfortable, happy, and authentically yourself.

 

 

This suggests that a more effective 'ick list' would focus less on the other person's attributes and more on the kind of relationship we want to have. Instead of seeking someone who's 'adventurous', we might seek a relationship that 'encourages us to try new things'. Instead of looking for someone who's 'successful', we might aspire to a partnership that 'supports our career goals'.

 

From 'Ick List' to 'Yay List': A Positive Shift

 

Now, if you're anything like me, you might be thinking, "Okay, I get it. The 'ick list' has its flaws. But how do I actually change it?" Well, dear reader, I'm glad you asked. It's time to introduce the concept of the 'Yay List'.

Instead of focusing on what we don't want in a partner (the 'icks'), the 'Yay List' encourages us to focus on what we do want (the 'yays'). It's about shifting from a mindset of avoidance to one of approach. It's like swapping the rearview mirror for the windshield when driving — we're no longer looking back at what we're leaving behind, but forward at where we're heading.

Creating a 'Yay List' involves three simple steps. First, we identify our core values — those deep-seated beliefs that guide our decisions and behavior. Second, we translate these values into relationship qualities. For example, if one of our core values is 'honesty', a corresponding 'yay' might be 'open communication'. Finally, we use our 'Yay List' as a compass in our dating life, guiding us towards relationships that align with our core values.

Now, this doesn't mean we ignore the 'icks' altogether. They serve a valuable purpose in alerting us to potential deal breakers. But by shifting our focus to the 'yays', we can approach dating with a more positive, proactive mindset.

 

The 'Ick List' Detox: Embracing Uncertainty

 

Moving beyond the 'ick list' involves not just shifting our focus, but also embracing uncertainty. It's about letting go of the illusion of control and surrendering to the unpredictable, exhilarating rollercoaster ride that is dating.

One way to do this is by adopting what psychologists call a 'growth mindset'. This belief, championed by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, holds that our abilities and traits can be developed through dedication and hard work. In the context of dating, it means viewing potential partners not as finished products, but as works in progress, just like ourselves.

Another strategy is to practice mindfulness, a form of meditation that involves focusing on the present moment without judgment. Mindfulness can help us stay grounded amidst the whirlwind of dating, preventing us from getting swept away by our 'ick lists'. It's like being the eye of the hurricane — calm, centered, and fully aware, even as chaos swirls around us.

Finally, we can cultivate an attitude of curiosity. Instead of judging potential partners against our 'ick list', we can approach each date as an opportunity to learn, grow, and expand our understanding of what we truly want in a relationship.

Remember, the journey beyond the 'ick list' is not a straight path, but a winding road full of twists, turns, and unexpected detours. But as any seasoned traveler will tell you, it's these unexpected surprises that make the journey memorable. So, buckle up, let go of the 'ick list', and get ready for the ride of your life.